As a 23-year-old, confessing seems like something very adolescent and the concept of it all sounds relatively juvenile.
I think this is often because of the pressure people put on confessing and the weight of the word ‘confession’.
However, when you really think of it, confessing to someone is really just expressing how you feel honestly. I’d say there are definitely different ways I like being told someone likes me but I think it depends on the dynamic of the relationship as well.
In a Singaporean context, because the country is so small and because of the more conservative culture sometimes this can be even harder!
So here are some basic tips and tricks when it comes to confessing!
Should You Confess?
Every relationship is different and the context before you confess to a girl will definitely depend on the phase of the relationship or friendship you’re in as well.
It’s also extremely important to read the room and oftentimes when guys try too hard despite the girl being uninterested, it does fracture the friendship and may cause a chasm.
Before you tell someone how you feel I think it’s paramount to just assess what you expect to get out of it as well.
Especially if you are already close friends.
I say this because having gotten into relationships with guys I was very close friends with before, it does change the friendship dynamics quite a bit if the relationship were to not work out.
I’ve dated a couple of guys I was friends with before. Usually, right after the break up it becomes really hard to see the person or be around them at the same events.
What’s worse is that often people talk especially if you have a lot of mutuals and you and your ex might just end up hearing things about the other moving on that you wouldn’t really want to hear, so it does get really intense and often just ends up causing more drama.
So even though the friends to lovers trope sounds really sweet (trust me I was so into it!), my advice would be to really think it through first and talk to the individual about the risks involved!
With that in mind, here are some tips about whether you should even bother confessing!
There are two main categories of relationships I’d say you can use as a guide to consider whether you should confess:
- If you two are already close friends
- If you guys just met/ aren’t close
I think it’s pretty obvious that for the first option, there’s definitely more pressure for it to work out because you could lose the friendship, whereas you might have less to lose for the latter.
If you like someone you’re already very close friends with, I think there are many positive plus points to getting together with the person.
There’s that chemistry, connection and understanding that’s already established.
Furthermore, I think if you’ve seen the person through a lot already you would have a better gauge of your compatibility with the person.
You would probably also know how the person behaves in relationships and can use that as a barometer of whether they have the qualities you look for in a partner.
For someone you’re really not as close to, I think it does make a difference how you know the person – whether it’s from a party, school, work or a dating app.
However, I think it’s definitely less complicated to confess to someone whom you have a less intense relationship with. Plus, the process of getting to know someone new and falling for them is really special!
I’d say it’s more difficult to also meet someone who you don’t have many mutuals with especially since Singapore is so small. However, it’s often better especially if you think having mutuals will influence your opinion on the person.
At the end of the day, you want to ensure you develop your relationship with the individual on your own terms and in your own way!
Do’s and Don’t’s for Confessing
Once you’ve decided whether you should actually confess, you might be wondering how to go about doing it.
I’ll be honest here, there isn’t a surefire way to confess and get the reaction you want because every girl has different expectations and it really depends on how she feels about you.
However, let me share with you some basic do’s and don’t’s from my own experiences of guys confessing!
1. Be clear about what you want after confessing
Nothing’s more annoying than a guy confessing but not having any idea on what the follow up action should be or what they want.
I think it can come off as flippant, especially if you are already friends with the person beforehand and you choose to confess without thinking through what you want.
It really could mess up the dynamic so it’s always better to figure out on your own first whether you’re looking for a relationship or to go out with the individual!
This also helps prevent some awkward grey areas between the two of you.
2. Timing is everything
I feel like a lot of times guys tend to go for a girl right after a breakup which I think is fine if you’re not looking for anything serious but more often than not you’ll just end up being a rebound.
Especially if it was a long-term relationship.
Naturally, after a breakup, there’s usually a need for at least a short break for the individual to grieve the relationship and deal with it.
It’s best if you find out where the person is in terms of healing before you choose to confess.
3. Take her word for it!
I’ve experienced having guys who are extremely persistent even after rejection. I think it gets annoying when you make your desires clear to an individual but it’s not respected.
So major tip: If she says no just take it as a no!
There’s no point throwing yourself at someone who is clearly uninterested. There’s always someone better out there and it’s really ok to just take the loss and move on.
When is the appropriate time to confess?
Every relationship really is different and moves at different paces so don’t feel pressured to succumb to a timeline!
It’s completely natural if you feel strongly early on in the relationship and want to share that with your significant other.
I can promise you nobody would hate knowing someone likes them!
However, if it’s someone you’ve just met and you’re on a first date, maybe you’d want to get to know them a little better first.
It’s really fine to show your interest and I guess you should so that there’s a second date but I’d say if you’re going out after talking on a dating app that it’s already acknowledged that the both of you are at least kind of interested in each other.
If it’s someone you’ve been friends with for really long then I think naturally you’d have to confess to share that you’re interested in trying to be something more by going out on a date.
So in these cases where you already have a friendship or some history with the individual, I think it makes a lot more sense for you to share how you feel on the first few dates.
I also think you might want to be even more transparent especially since it’s a friend or someone who already means a lot to you.
Personally, when it comes to people I’ve dated I do appreciate them being upfront, however, I do feel like love-bombing is a major red flag!
Love-bombing refers to being overtly excessive and affectionate at the start of the relationship. Although this might seem harmless, studies show that this form of overcompensation often points to narcissism and some sort of ingenuity or even manipulation.
There’s no rush and no fixed time to confess so really do it when you feel it’s right but just ensure you’re genuine with it!
Just remember, confessing is really just sharing how you feel with someone and although that can sometimes seem a little scary and overwhelming, you have so much to gain from it!
The worst thing that could happen is that they don’t feel the same way and even then at least it gives you closure and you can move on.
So really, just go for it!